Stretching limits

It is exactly one month from the expected due date. I told people that I am so going to miss being pregnant. One of them said  to me, "of course, you will miss being spoiled uh". And I thought actually it's more the experience of being "stretched" that I would miss.

Pregnancy has stretched my limits at so many levels. Of course, the most obvious ones are: body weight, waist, size of clothing, how long I can go without going to the hairdresser, having my hair cut/permed/dyed, the rate of growth of my nails, etc.

The less obvious ones are: endurance of sleep disturbances (initial difficulty in falling asleep, intermittent wakening, early wakening), changing of eating habits from eating three main meals to snacking throughout the day, living on a much reduced wardrobe, resistance to the temptation of unhealthy foods, etc.

The innermost stretch: faith.
Although many things in life are out of our control but we usually want to think and try very hard to prove otherwise. I was talking to my students the other day, and I shared with them that to me, the most fearful part of research ends at data collection. Once data collection is complete, I feel safe as everything is in my hand and under my manipulation. Of course, the truth is that things can always go wrong and get out of hands at any stage of research, and our lives in general. So when are we really safe? Never? Or always?

It's so easy to fall into the trap of constant worry once you have a baby - or from the day you are conceived. From miscarriage, Down's syndrome/other chromosomal abnormalities, diabetes, premature birth, delivery emergencies, etc.... Do the worries end after a healthy baby is born? Not really. Then you worry about the growth and development of the baby, education, his or her friendships and dating, then their families, etc....

No, I don't want to go down that path - the path of endless worries and all the planning and steps taken to prevent the things that you worry about from happening.  

I told Kaz that we have to remind each other not to fall into the trap. Here are the things that may help:
1. To always remember that our daughter is a gift from God.
2. To recall the moment we embrace each other in tears when we found out that we were conceived.
3. To dedicate our daughter to God - to know that she belongs to God, not to us.
4. To live in the here and now - enjoy every time I breast-feed, have fun changing diapers, laugh at our silly mistakes and ignorance in child-caring.
5. To not think that we will not worry after this and that (after she gets into a good school, after we buy a house, after we save enough money for her, etc.) because it never happens if this is our mentality.

God, please help us to be the kind of parents that pleases you. :)

33 weeks, 7 more weeks to go

It’s all too fast……

I pray that DEB won’t come much earlier than the EDD. We’re not ready.

I still have 70% of the pregnancy/baby care books on my bookcase untouched. The baby bed isn’t assembled yet. I haven’t decided whether to use reusable cloth or disposable wipes. We haven’t figured out which milk bottle to get. And most important of all, I haven’t had a plan how to document the early stage of your life for you. One’s history makes up a big part of one’s identity. And I think a good documentation of one’s infancy and childhood would be one of the best gifts for our child. But how do we do it? 

Facebooking and blogging? Seem too public. Not sure if I can get my baby’s consent.

Scrapbooking? Too time-consuming for someone who sets a high standard for the aesthetics but at the same time is not so artistic and handy that nice work comes out naturally and efficiently. I may end up doing two pages and stop. Also, the downside is that sharing with friends and families is more difficult unless people go visit you.

Perhaps an electronic scrapbook that can be shared with friends and families? But I’m not good at computer graphics so it may not be pretty……um…. 

What should I do? Any ideas?

End of summer

I'm slipping, I know. It's been another month since I last had a post.
And even worse, I have been on vacation leave (theoretically) for a week, and I still had not been able to sit down and write until now.
Yes, it's theoretical because when people at work know that you're in Hong Kong during leaves, they just disregard your leaves and expect that you would still respond to emails and everything. Actually, nowadays, even if you're away, you have to be at a really remote place to get out of the email expectation. I'm not to blame anyone for this very abnormal and unhealthy phenomenon because I'm part of it too. I try not to respond to all emails but I do respond when I feel I should. This is intermittent reinforcement (in learning theories terminology), and it's effective in encouraging the behaviors being reinforced - email sending!

I talk a lot about my work, don't I? Does that make me a very boring person? May be... But I can't deny the fact that my work has become quite an important part of me in the past few years. Why is that? I think there are several reasons -

1. my job is a demanding one; most people spend long hours working; I think I'm perhaps around the mean or slightly above in terms of the amount of time I spend on work in comparison to my colleagues. 

2. There are virtually no boundaries to our roles and responsibilities. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. When you have 5 research studies going on, you ask why not 6 or 7. There are so many interesting and important questions to be studied out there. When you've spent two hours reviewing a student's work, you ask why not 3 or 4 hours? They need the feedback from you. When you've written 2 grants, you ask why not another one, so as to increase the chance of success, then more work can be done, more students can be trained, more people will benefit from your work. The list goes on in all areas of my work - admin, teaching, research... and can even expand to involvement in campus and the society!

3. Kaz is easy on me. He's low-maintenance as a husband, and he respects what I do so never really "complains" about me spending too much time on work.

4. Most of our friends are busy with either their work or their kids so most often, it's them being unavailable for us, rather than the other way round.

5. The TV shows in HK are too boring! :)

6. I find freedom in my work. Regardless of some politics and besides the basic responsibilities, I do enjoy the privilege of having a high degree of freedom in my work. Although I still work long hours, and sometimes on weekends, I can choose my work time most of the time. I can choose my research areas, my research students, my collaborators, my training, where to go for conferences, etc. and freedom is hard to find and difficult to buy.

7. I find meaning in my work. I am an idealist and I need very clear reasons to guide my work - I.e I need to know why I'm doing what I'm doing, how the work I do relate to what I believe. It's quite easy to make this connection in my job. I guess that's why it's so easy to justify long hours of work. I don't know if academia or my school has brain-washed me to believe that doing my job well is fulfilling my mission and calling. But I do feel that I'm making a direct impact on students' lives and that impact is going to multiply as they influence others in their lives. I also hope that my research is going to make an impact in the long run, although it takes much longer to see those fruits.

Why am I talking about work again? Because it's been exactly 5 years since I started this job, and it's a good time to reflect on it. I am grateful for my job, and hope to stay here for at least a few more years before I think about moving onto other things. As I enter into parenthood in just a few more weeks, I do need to juggle among my roles more, but I still hope that I can be loyal to my work while being a dedicated parent.

Final stage

It may be self-fulfilling but my worry that I won't be able to find the time to write my blog isn't unwarranted. It's been more than a month since I wrote my last entry! Sigh....

Yes, it's been a really busy month. Renovation, moving, furniture shopping on the personal side, and starting a course, ad hoc admin work, reviewing six theses, and working on about 7-8 papers/projects on the work side. I was working long hours again, and feeling the building up of the stress. As my bump grew, I have pretty much accepted the fact that my back pain and stomach problems would be with me until I give birth, if not longer. Sitting in front of the computer all day and being busy didn't really help any of the symptoms/pregnancy discomfort.

It's funny how going to see the u clinic dr helped. My intention was just to refill my stomach gas and gastric reflux meds as their effects have become less obvious after the first fee days I used them. I also went in to consult the dr about my eczema. It all started when I alluded to my stress, saying that "I'm not sure why my stomach gas and reflux haven't improved, and I'm getting eczema. Perhaps it has to do with my busy work lately." The dr then stopped typing on the computer, turned his head, looked at me with a serious look, and started lecturing me on how crazy I'm, not taking it easy and pushing myself so much while expecting. Yes, he was a bit far-fetched and was jumping to conclusion too fast, especially when he said, "would you be pushing your kid the same way you push yourself, and forcing him/her to learn this and that at a young age, like those parents depriving their children of a real childhood!" I assured him that I won't do that but he was quite right saying that I'm probably thinking that I would only stop working when I go into labor. That's actually kind of what I intended to do- doing as much as possible before going on maternity leave. As I expected to be really busy after the baby comes, this is the only and last time that I can focus on work, not to mention that my tenure application is due right before my mat leave. Anyhow, I walked out of the dr's office feeling misunderstood (as a psychologist, I'm very sensitive about people making assumptions about others). I felt that he didn't understand what I've given up (and ready to give up) for my child. But after talking to some people about this, I gradually realized that his being mad about me not slowing down enough was indeed to some extent justified. I need to relax, for my baby.

As the third trimester starts, I have made up my mind that I'm going to make a conscious effort to be lazier.:) It's about resisting the temptation to be this hardworking, tough, responsible, devoted teacher, researcher, colleague, friend, whatever even during pregnancy. 

Tribute to two Doris'

I have been very amazed and touched by two ladies both named Doris, who have fought with cancer, one herself and one as spouse, in the past few years and particularly the past few months.

Doris, a psychology colleague, wife of a reverend, and a devoted minister herself, was diagnosed of cancer a few years back. She fought it with courage and had been in remission for a couple of years until the recent reoccurrence. When she first had cancer, I was already very impressed by how she took it, shared it, and got through it so gracefully. She was so generous in sharing her thoughts and learning and so honest in sharing her struggles and pain. I was encouraged every time I read her emails and blog (http://goodfightdoris.blogspot.com/).
She has more strength and stronger will than most healthy persons and also lives a fuller life than most even in her sickness.
Doris, whether you're fighting or finishing the race, I'm cheering for you!

Doris, a graduating psychologist, wife of a police officer, who fought with cancer bravely and just passed away several weeks ago. Everyone is sad for Doris but she's the only one who still smiles. They knew the cancer was aggressive and the treatment was not effective, but they chose not to complain but to do everything they could, enjoy every moment they had together, and face it with humility and persistence.
Doris got married right before she started her clinical psychology training two years ago. Her husband's cancer was diagnosed a few months later, when she was in a very demanding phase of the training. - in the middle of courses, placements, thesis and everything. Doris had to defer her studies for 9 months as she took the time to take care of her husband with a more spread-out workload. I actually wanted to exempt her from a few things but she insisted to fulfill all the course requirements just like her classmates did. That makes you wonder why some students (and myself sometimes!) find every excuse in the world to do less, to be late in submission of assignments, and to miss training opportunities. I admire Doris as a person with integrity and am honored to be her teacher in the past two years and nine months.
Doris, I pray that God will bless you immensely as you continue your life journey until the day of reunion with your beloved.

Doris and Doris, you both show me how God is beyond our understanding and His grace and power are beyond the pain, the fear, and the tears. I praise the Lord and thank you for your living testimony. 

Warm and cool at the same time

I am amazed how accurate estimations of the timing of some pregnancy markers are. They said you would feel the movements of your baby around the 18-20th week. And yes, here it came at the 20th week! Kaz was so excited the first time he felt it. Now he asks for it every night. :)

From desperation to hopefulness

The thought of writing a pregnancy journal has been on my mind early in the pregnancy. But then the nausea and the tiredness demotivated me. I actually could not think of anything good to write about pregnancy at that point. Yes, this is undoubtedly one of the greatest joy in our lives but the day-to-day symptoms were really not so interesting. Now that my energy level is better and the nausea is gone, I do want to write a mid-term summary of the pregnancy. 

I can still vividly remember the day when I received the phone call from the dr, confirming our pregnancy. All of us have waited for important news before - news about scholarship, news about admission to academic programs, news about jobs, etc but nothing compared to this. When I hung up the phone, Kaz came out from the study room, and I told him we were pregnant. Tears of joy came down our cheeks. I have not seen Kaz crying for a very long time.

That was Feb 8, 2013.

Just for my own memory sake, let me recap the first few months of pregnancy. The first few weeks were all about being careful, moving less, and resting a lot. I avoided transportation as much as possible and stayed home most of the time. There were not much symptoms though so you always wonder, "is the baby still there?". Reading all the pregnancy books was kind of interesting for a bit but then they are all kind of repetitive after the first one. And sometimes you get contradictory information from the different books - whether one should bed-rest as much as possible in the beginning stage, whether once has to be careful about certain foods. Anyhow, I have to admit that I find those books quite boring after a while and did not manage to get through many of them. Thanks to my sister, Jasmine who gave me all these books. Having them around is comforting anyways.

Nausea kicked in sometime around the 5-6 weeks. It was like having been on a roller-coaster constantly, or travelling back to Mainland China on a bumpy road for 10 hours twenty years ago.  The only difference was that you do not want to eat when having nausea normally but the nausea in pregnancy gets worse when your stomach is empty (and for me, also when my mouth tasted kind of blend (口淡淡). So I needed to eat/drink constantly to avoid the feeling of nausea.  I got frowned upon eating my favorite preserved fruits （e.g.,話梅) for they contain too much bad stuff so lemon water (sometimes with honey) was kind of a more legitimate choice. In addition to the nausea, stomach gas bothered me the most. My GI system was never good but with the slowing down of intestines during pregnancy, bloating and gas were constantly there throughout the day. So to eat, or not to eat, became a dilemma. It's nausea vs. gas. 

The legendary 2nd trimester has not been as awesome as I had hoped. The nausea did go away but the gastric reflux actually got more serious. I am at the 21st week now and I feel like burping the whole day, except for the half an hour after waking up and before breakfast. I really need to manage my food intake more carefully.

Ok, that is all for the "not so glamorous". 

To document the most memorable part of our pregnancy, I need to start from our struggles last year. The year 2012 was a very difficult year for us. I were really busy at work facing difference challenges. Even though I put in a lot of time and effort, I were not effective and were constantly frustrated. In a nutshell, I were quite burned out. Kaz's work was also full of uncertainties and we couldn't really see how it might progress. We were feeling alienated from church, and our brothers and sisters. And I were also having all sorts of health issues......

Last summer, I went through a surgery for investigation of some problems and suffered from a serious infection on the 6th day after the surgery. Not only did the physician have the worse patient manner, her medical knowledge/patient management skills were also kind of outdated. Despite repeated recommendations of the microbiologist (also our friend) that I definitely needed a surgery to tackle the infection, the physician refused to do so and said I should just be on anti-biotics, even though it did not seem to work and it would take months for the infection to settle even if the anti-biotics controlled the infection. Our microbiologist friend was very worried and said that the abscess in me could be very dangerous (life-threatening) and I should leave immediately and seek treatment elsewhere. I actually had two hypothermia episodes. My microbiologist friend said that I could have died in those episodes if I were not attended immediately (I was put on oxygen). We finally decided to be discharged against medical advice, and went through another surgery that removed the infected structures in another hospital.

Some people thought that we shouldn't have gone through the first surgery as it's not necessary and it caused the infection. But the fact was that the infected tissues were pretty swollen in the first place and the removal was good for my health.

During the two months' of sick leave, we had a lot of thoughts and prayers and our faith was distilled and renewed. We thought about all the blessings that God had given us in the past and during that time. And while the challenges and suffering seemed so meaningless, we felt that God was teaching us to be patient and to trust in His timing and His ways. 

I had some bad allergies and ulcers a couple of months after resuming work. I was told by the dr that's because my immunity was compromised with the infections, the surgeries, and the prolonged use of strong anti-biotics. The dr told me to learn to manage my stress, my workload as well as my self-expectation! We then realized that we really need a drastic lifestyle change and mentality change. I attended a talk for HKU staff given by a prof from Regent College and finally realized that I was indeed a workaholic (a small digression: a friend, Josh once said I was workaholic years back but I totally disagreed because I thought workaholics are people who put their career before other people/tasks in life; then I learned that this is actually careerism, and workaholics are people who get anxious and guilty when they're not working and that's definitely me!).

Over Nov and Dec last year, we gradually felt that things were getting back on track (not the old tracks though). We felt the hope and joy from God and we're more connected to people. Our faith was revived over Christmas as we once again were reminded of what Jesus has done for us and how much He cares about us.

After Christmas, as the dr said that I was in a good condition for pregnancy and that the removal of the bad structures would actually help increase the chance of success, we decided to give it a try. Then you know the rest of the story......

God is awesome, isn't He? He really turned a curse into a blessing.

Duck Yee Bee (DEB) at 13th week

New beginning

I have been thinking about starting a blog for so long but kept on debating about the idea. An obvious reason was of course, I have no time for it. The second biggest reservation was whether the sharing would affect my privacy. But I know deep down, it is more my doubts - would my blog be good enough or good at all? 

While the first two concerns are still valid, I am learning to overcome my self-consciousness. The topic of "self" is a big one. A professor once said to me it is a life-long struggle, one of the biggest one. It is so true. It is probably a blog post itself for another day. For now, I just reckon that writing a blog is not to show the world how good I am, that my experiences and my thoughts are worth sharing. It is in fact quite the opposite. It is the realization that I am small, weak, powerless, constantly changing and failing, and most important of all, that my life is nothing but a vapor that will fade without a trace one day. It is merely a short journey before I return to the Father's place. I write this blog to remind myself what I have learned in this life, to share my lessons with others who may be struggling, and to praise my Lord for His wondrous love and amazing grace.

Today is not a special date but I somehow feel that I have a new beginning. First, I have just passed half of my pregnancy! Second, we have moved out from our place (having it renovated for a month) and settled at my sister's at Tai Po (big thanks to my sister for all the help and for accommodating us for a month!). Third, I have taken today off to organize my thoughts by starting this blog and by replying emails to some friends who wrote to ask how we have been. I decided not to work at all even I am on my computer. Well, I have failed a bit as I replied to a few work emails but will stop doing that! Anyhow, this is THE DAY to get started.

Where I wrote my first blog.