Cancelled flight, ruined trip, disappointments turned into joy

Every Christmas, there's an anticipation of its coming. Then it flies by you before you know it. 

Some years ago, I came to terms with the idea that perhaps Christmas is not a season for enjoyment or even for rest. Perhaps it's a season to sow seeds, to serve, to let people know about Jesus, our saviour. So it's ok to be busy and even to feel stressed. 

While I still think so, I need to remind myself that it should still feel light, as Jesus' burden is always light.

Matt. 11 Verses 28 to 30

[28] Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

So how do we reconcile the two? How can we seize the chance to let people know about Jesus while at the same time not feel burdened?

I think perhaps we really need to take the "restful burden" for the rest of the year - i.e., we only take on Jesus' yoke, not the yoke that other people put on us or more often than not, I put on myself. Then I would perhaps feel the joy and the peace that Christmas brings more fully as it should. 

I hope and will try to slow down in 2023, to best prepare for the next Christmas. It's not just about managing stress. It's living out the meaning of Christmas - that we are no longer bound by sins, by the need to justify ourselves through our achievements or our good deeds, because our almighty, flawless, righteous God has come down to bear our sins, to live our lives, to pay our debts.....so we live a blameless life as we accept the gift of Jesus. Thank you, Jesus!

As for this Christmas, God has quite a special plan for me and my family. 

So this is the first trip that we take after COVID started in 2020. In fact, we had planned an elaborate family camping trip to Canada in 2020 - that got cancelled due to COVID. This time, we planned for a Whistler-Vancouver snowboarding trip with altogether 14 family members. Most of my family was going to fly on Dec 21 but there was an arctic blast that completely paralysed Vancouver airport and many flights were cancelled for 2-4 days. Who would have guessed that Vancouver would be shut down by snow! 

Everyone was devastated by this news - the family trip that we have been looking forward to with 7 cousins gathering together. Jo was crying as she missed me (I flew out a week ago for work and was supposed to reunite at Vancouver) and was upset about the trip being cancelled. We were hoping that they could get on the plane 1-2 days later but no, it's delayed for 4 days!!! Utterly disappointing.

The usual me would just take it as part of life and thanking God that at least we weren't in any danger or stranded in the airport (I did see people lying on the ground in thermo bags). But as our small group has been studying Jonah, I thought I'll try doing what Jonah did - complaining to God. So I asked God "why?!!!". "Do we really need this, God?", "Seriously? Did I/my family not work hard enough?", "Is my trip not blessed because I go to play instead of serve during Christmas?"....I have the model answers to all of my questions but I really wanted to try asking God directly and praying to Him with passion so that He knows I do care about the disappointment of my family and I do believe that God has the power to bless us, regardless of the circumstances. "God, please let us see".

In the midst of all the chaos, we came to know that Jo and Kaz tested positive for COVID (after having cold symptoms for a few days). At first, we were thinking, "are you kidding me? Can it be any worse?!". Then I can see - I can finally see how God blessed us - if they had flown as planned, they would have been getting on the plane with full blown symptoms. That would not only be bad for the other passengers (and the rest of us), but also for themselves fighting COVID on the plane and afterwards. Now it's really the best - that they can fly having recovered, and with COVID anti-bodies to enjoy the trip even more, albeit a shortened one.

Jesus, you're really the prodigal God, who gives us gifts lavishly, one after another, over and over again, even though you have already given us yourself as the most precious gift, when you came down to us 2000+ years ago.  

The Scenic Route

So I’ve taken the scenic route. 

If I have to summarize my feeling in this 7+5 years’ journey in academia in one word, the word would be “gratefulness”. 

Yes there were disappointments, frustrations, shocks, hurts, shame, and doubts…but there were also countless blessings in this journey. 

1. Work: I can’t be more grateful for being able to do what I do. I know very well that enjoying one’s work is a privilege, and I’m grateful for that privilege
2. People: The many friends I’ve made through the ups and downs of this journey are precious. There were colleagues (and students) who came closer to me and walked alongside me in the darkest times. The love and support of my family and friends strengthened me when I was not sure if I would ever make it. 
3. Faith: The Holy Spirit has spoken to me so gently yet clearly and firmly when I wondered if I had what it takes for my work. Not good enough but God enough. 

…”If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:15

My Year 2019

It is an understatement to say that 2019 was a special year. It was so different from any other year for everyone in HK. It seems a bit self-centred to review the year from my own perspective but I guess I can do it as I'm not a politician or historian, and it was MY year 2019 that I'm talking about.

The Easter Miracle 

Jesus, “I came to finish the work my Father sent me to do.” John 4:34

“It is finished” - 

In early-mid April 2019, the drs thought I had a tumor in my left lung, causing its collapse (one dr even pointed to us on the chest x-ray where she thought the tumor was). God gave me immense peace waiting for the CT results, but my husband was devastated. The rational me started preparing for the fight, settling my work, looking at my insurance policies, and most importantly, spending as much time as I could with my daughter so as to minimize her deprivation of her mother’s love, in case I would be very sick or even die from the sickness. I even started recording my reading of her favorite books…… 

On a Sunday during those 2 weeks of waiting, my small group prayed over me, and when my leader asked me what was on my heart, I said I hoped to survive this because I felt that my work (as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a ministry leader, a scholar, and a psychologist) was not finished. Yet, as soon as we started praying, I realized that even death couldn’t separate us from the love of God. So if God takes me, He will take care of my family, in ways that they need to be taken care of, not in my ways. So why should I have this bottom line, thinking that I would endure whatever it took as long as I could survive this? Do I think that my value is based on my work? Or do I feel that I haven’t done enough to justify my salvation? Or do I think that God has to let me continue to live if He truly loves me and my family? The Holy Spirit filled me and assured me that it’s all taken care of and I could face whatever was ahead of me because our all-loving God was, is, and will always be in control.

Then to everyone’s surprise, CT and bronchoscopy showed no tumors, benign or malignant! (A friend told me she had a vision when praying for me that the drs were all surprised seeing a clear CT scan). This was a bonus birthday gift from God this year (in addition to my favourite cloudy weather that God gives me every year on my birthday…. I know, I’m very spoiled :). Guess that’s an example of God’s “reckless” love on us. 

On Good Friday, we learned again that the only person who could ever finish His/Her works when one’s life ends would be Jesus Christ. Thank God it’s not about how much and how well one has done, but about walking with God and living out the purpose that God has given us in the days that God gives us, no matter how long or how short that is, because our imperfect earthly life is only a rehearsal for eternity. 

This Easter is a special one indeed - not because God took away my tumor or gave me more days on earth, but because of the reassurance of the liberation from the power of death by Jesus’ blood and His resurrection. Yes, not even death can separate us from the love of God. I’m saved once and for all, 30 years ago, today and forever. This is THE Easter miracle. 

I hope to write on my tombstone, “It’s finished, not by me, but by Him alone.”

Thank you Jesus.

Walking in between parallel universes

Just as I walked back to the battlefield (this world), thinking that "ok, God, what's next?", something bigger than any of us struck HK - the extradition bill. The introduction of the bill and the Gov's handling of it has led to intense uproar in the society. I recall after the first 3 times of demonstrations in June/July, I felt so exhausted and said to myself, I hope the Gov't would listen and we could go back to having normal Sundays very soon...then the movement lasted for the rest of the year and still hasn't really ended (both in terms of getting the 5 demands and the conflicts between police and citizens). Then there was the CityU, CU, and PU incidents. I managed to get in PU a couple times trying to reach the students and provide some help. No many were willing to talk in the first time. As for the second time, I just had a vision waking up on a Sunday - In the vision, my church's worship team was at PU worshipping God all around campus. Then I messaged my pastor during the sermon time, and he went with me and the worship team to PU that last afternoon-evening. We sang all over campus. Although we didn't really meet students that time, we prayed that the praises touched their hearts.
The parallel universes were that of the fighters and the establishment. Due to my connection with the Police, I maintained close contact with them and tried to do anything I could to facilitate understanding and communication. There was no much I could do actually, but I still hope to be friends of my friends there because they needed Jesus in their lives more than ever.
I'm not too sure how long and how far I can go in between the two universes.... but I will try to love as long as God permits.

New body at the beginning of 2020

I underwent an elective operation in Jan 2020 to remove my uterus due to long-standing issues with it. I have been taking medication in the past year, and they seemed to work well but then I also had some new symptoms of my respiratory system and voice that triggered my lung exams back in Mar-May. While a collapsed lung was found, which was later confirmed to had been there since 2012, nothing else was identified to explain the symptoms that I had. Therefore, I decided to stop the hormonal treatment and had the surgery, with a hope that I won’t have to be on medications and the breathing and voice problems can be improved. 

So the operation went well, and I'm now sitting at home reviewing my 2019 (ye, it takes a surgery for me to sit down:).

Lots of blessings in my health journey. This song sums up my learning and feeling quite well. :)

https://youtu.be/n0FBb6hnwTo

(“With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God!” How suiting!:)

Love and Respect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388ZduTXiws
This sermon by Emerson Eggerichs was so powerful and convicting. 
In the past year, the Holy Spirit has been reminding me the importance of putting my husband first (after God, before our daughter) and what that really means. This sermon provides a deep and new perspective to our "old" understanding of the importance of love and respect in marriages. This was the best sermon/speech/sharing/seminar/lecture, however you call it, that I've heard on marriages/heterosexual relationships.

Year 2015

This is a late review of 2015, but being late is better than nothing.
2015 is a memorable year.
I had the first change of jobs - last time I left a position, I took a 3-month leave and then started studying.
I attended kindergarten interviews with my daughter. What an interesting experience!
I published the most in a year in my academic career so far - 9 refereed papers.

These were what happened overtly in the past year. But what's most exciting was what happened in my heart. I felt that I was blind and now I see. I experienced what it meant by "God is for me! Who can be against me?" I felt that my burdens were lifted from my shoulders - and those include not just my career, but also my family, my health, and everything...

One interesting thought - I felt that most of my transformation came from my deeper understanding of God, which was predominantly cognitive or intellectual in nature. My change in the past year supported my belief that one can have deep, spiritual change with intellectual understanding (thinking). God has given us the intellect to comprehend His love and promises, which form the basis of one's happiness. In other words, while I was deeply moved and it was a very emotional experience to be filled by the Holy Spirit, who gently or firmly told me that He has been watching over me and that I would not be trampled, it was not at all a vague fussy feeling but a powerful voice that spoke to my mind in a language that I can understand and resonate with.

Through my own transformation in 2015, there's a strong desire in me to tell everyone about the hope, joy and peace that I found in Christ; it is the kind of hope that transcends circumstances, the kind of joy that breaks through darkness, and the kind of peace that quiets the most disturbed heart. I had always believed that psychology is a tool for us to understand people and to handle our emotional, cognitive and behavioral problems. It would not replace faith as psychology will not tell us the meaning of life. I used to be able to resolve or reconcile the secular nature of psychology and my Christian faith through this kind of mindset. However, as psychology becomes more and more "aggressive" in claiming that it has a lot to offer about things like "virtues", "values", "happiness", "meaning" and even "spirituality", there is a growing sense in me that my old conception of the role of psychology, that it was just a tool to think and understand about people and to help people was outdated. With the unceasing joy that I have been experiencing since the fall of 2014, I really wish to form a thorough understanding of how Christianity means in one's mental health. Yes, Christian faith, not spirituality. It sounds dogmatic but I feel that if I were to say anything other than the fact that our only hope and joy is in the Lord, I would be lying. May God give m strength and wisdom to share His amazing grace.

"But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." (Psalms 1: 2-3)

PDL Day 5 - Seeing life from God's view

Life on earth is a test and a trust.
I have recently gone through a test that I failed. I worked very hard for it but it turned out that there was a mismatch between how I was told to prepare for and write the test and the marking schemes. So how do we succeed in this test of life, which essentially is a test of character?
When I think about it, it' seems really brutal to have a test 24-7. I mean how does one survive if one is being tested constantly? So we slip and some quit.
The good news is, God never fails someone, as long as the person doesn't quit. You can try again and again, again and again. We slip, and we fail, and God still says, "ok, let's try again". There's always a chance.
Another good news is, this "boss" doesn't just give your unlimited chances, He also gives you everything you need to succeed in the test. How refreshing!
If you have a boss like this, there's really no reason for you to not give your all to accomplish what you have been entrusted with. For me, the greatest thing that God has entrusted me is probably my daughter, Jo. What can be more precious than life?
Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that I put 100% of my energy to focus on Jo, to give her "the best", so to speak. God has also entrusted me with abilities to help people in pain, to comfort, to accompany, to support, to teach, as well as to find out about life and wellbeing as I do research. Most importantly, God has also given me much love. He's given me a heart that aches when I see others in sorrow, in addition to a mind that can see hope and sometimes a way out.
In the end, I guess to love is still the number one purpose in life.
I wonder, is it the same for everyone? Should love be the number one purpose for everyone?  

Purpose-driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? Day 4 (Made to last forever)

We've been attending Saddleback Church HK since June 2014. The Church has started a new campaign on the captioned title. I've just joined a small study group to learn and rethink about my purpose. I'm trying to journal my learning and reflections here.
So we are on Day 4, and the topic is we are made to last for eternity. I was inspired by the idea that life is a preparation for eternity, and also death is the door to eternity (for believers). These truths really take away two of the most prominent anxieties of human being - life and death anxiety. As a scholar, I constantly ask myself if what I do is enough, significant enough, ingenious enough, interesting enough, impactful enough..... I always worry that I don't do enough in my life so I call it the "life anxiety". Then on the other side is the "death anxiety". Though I don't think about it everyday, not even on a weekly basis, I can't deny that death still scares me. I used to only scare death a little but now as a mother, it scares me quite a bit. How brutal it is to leave my child motherless.... it scares me just thinking about it.
But as all things work together for the good of those who love God, for His own purpose, then there should be no fear for God has already taken all the "abnormalies" or unexpected crises into account before He created us.
So today I learned that the purpose of life shouldn't be about how much we achieve for that will fade one day. When we die or how we die is also not that important either. So what should we live for? Stay tuned.